Tour of the reality

Partying. Impulses. Flings. Tequilas. Bright lights. Loud music. Skimpy clothes. Huge earrings.

I've been on a tour with reality. The real world. Months ago, it seems all strange and new to me. Months ago, I felt like an alien, like an intruder on planet clubbing. I cant say the bouncers and bartenders of all clubs know me now, but at least, I could tell you about the clubs and their music, if you were to ask.

It's been one of the most memorable and fruitful, if i could say, experience of my life. I may not have seen or felt everything, but it's enough, to me. I could carry on with this present lifestyle, but I will end up having to pay more for the lessons, having to risk losing more of what I already have established from the past two decades of my life. And I am not willing.

It's really quite hard to put down in words, what is going through my head now. Let's just say I'm overwhelmed, so overwhelmed by this new world I've stepped into. I'm amazed at every little thing, action, word spoken, the every little corner, just everything. And I cant wait to share what i've been through with everyone, with the world! But bear with me for now please. At least for a couple of more days or weeks as I organise my thoughts.

This blog is beginning to sound like my little diary. The little diary where true and the innermost emotions are revealed without worries of being judged upon. It's too becoming a way of recording events and emotions at different stages of my life, reminding me of the lessons each and every day or situation has given me, before my memory fails me. If someone could, please remind me to print out my entries, in case some bug decides to eat up the whole world wide web.

My mosaics, strangely

I've seen enough...finally. I've tried enough...finally. I've done enough, finally, to carry on with life, with a proper life.

This very morning, I'm starting my life story on a new page, a fresh, nice and clean one. These past few months had been a trial. Trial as in, God was trying me out and I was trying new things out.

I've learnt so much more than any story, any advice, any form of anything could ever have given me. They call it experience. And i agree with them.

I've had the fun. I've had the thrills. I've had the impulses, the excitements, the experiences. I've collected enough memories, enough lessons, a bit of most things, to move on to the next phase of my life.

I have decided on the path my life would take, from here. Anyone coming along?

Bliss

Imagine you're lying on a beach chair...the sun falling on every part of your exposed skin...the heat is just enough to warm your heart, to burn away the weariness and soreness that's been built up in your body from the week's work...then, small gushes of wind come, cooling your body, giving your hair a gentle lift and your face a little brush, with the sounds of boo-blay in your ears...as you sip, and sip your lemonade. That, is bliss.

My ignorance, your patience

Pardon my ignorance if you see any. After all, I have only had nineteen years of life. And I hope that as I live on, learn and write on, I will grow to become a better person. Could you lend me your patience?

p.s: did someone mention that ignorance's bliss?

If only I had loved you more...

It's been a month since i regained singlehood. It really felt good to break free from all the responsibilities and emotions...and it still does. Most importantly, I feel alive again. Alive because I am no longer dependent. I only have myself to answer to, if I decide to do something. And I only have myself to lean and rely on, if that something goes wrong. I dont have the privilege of 'the help' anymore. But this has made me stronger...

I have to see to and handle things on my own; there's no more shrinking of responsilites, no one to cover me up anymore. I have learned to manage my responsibilities, my fears, my emotions...
I think harder, much harder, before I do most things because I have to bear the consequences alone...the tangible ones and the intangible ones - my emotions. I understand that there is no longer that pillar of emotional support, that shoulder to lay on and that hug that always makes me feel better even in the worst situations.

I guess it's my very strong sense of pride. The very pride that formed part of the reasons I left him. I wanted to show that I did not need help in living and maintaining my life. Actually, it was more of wanting to know...wanting to know if I could manage things on my own. And also, to be relieved of the toil this relationship had taken on me...and on him.

Tonight, I am missing him. For the first time. It hurts, suddenly. There is emptiness in the air i am breathing. And I finally understand how every night, he goes to sleep with a feeling like this. It must really hurt, for him. After all, he loved me more than I loved him.

I really pray for the best for him. Pray that he's learning how to open up his world to the people around him, pray that he's learning how to express himself better, pray that he's learning how to cope with his life without me...i pray for a thousand and one things for him, every day...after all, he's been such a darling for the past almost three years.

How could I have abandoned him just like that? How could I have had the heart to leave a person who gave in to each and every bit of my whim and fancy? How could I...

Somehow, I did. I wanted to take flight. I wanted to see the world. I had wanted to take him along. But he wouldnt fly with me. Sorry dear, I had to go. I was afraid. Afraid that I would be stuck with the same, old, mediocre life. I want to be excited about life all over again. I want people to see the glow in my eyes when they speak to me. I want to experience all that I can before I leave this world. I'm sorry I could not give up my dreams for you. If only I had loved you more...

Imperfections, they make me happy

I do not have a perfect life anymore. My good grades at school are becoming mediocre. I left my boyfriend, who could have given me a perfect marriage. I do not reach home before 12am; I'm no longer that perfect daughter. But I'm getting a kick out of life, out of living, and also from my parents.

Imperfection, it appeals to me. And it's because it is something that has been lacking in my life, my perfect life. I had been sheltered, too sheltered. I never knew what the rain really felt like, tasted like. I never knew how hot the sun could be, how it could possible burn one's skin. I had only heard people talk about it, marvel at it but I never knew...until that day, I decided to take that step out, out of the very shelter that had been protecting me all this while.

I feel like a little kid crossing the road at the junction. I am amazed at the things I see on the sides of roads. Yet at the same time, I am afraid of the fast and oncoming traffic. And as I cautiously make my way through, I arrive at places I've never seen, meet people I've never met, taste food I've never tasted, feel the emotions I've never felt...

Part of me anticipates the excitement this new experience could bring, the stories I could bring back with me and share with my friends. The other part of me, fears. I fear that I could not keep up with what the people at the new places are doing. And when I do, I fear that I would never want to return to where I belong...I fear the consequences this step I've taken could bring.

But I'm glad I took the step, anyhow. Now I know how the other side looks like, feels like. I've learned how to take care of myself, to protect myself from harm and hurt. I feel alive, more alive than before. Because I had seen and felt danger, and was able to emerge from it safely, on my own. I feel stronger now, stronger to take on the other challenges and obstacles life has prepared for me.

I'm ready to move on.

The exams got me thinking...not about the exams

I had really wanted to give up. To forsake my education. I want to have the time, to smell the flowers, those I always pass by while rushing to school. I want to have the freedom, to dance in the moonlight, every night, instead of drowning in those mathematical formulas, theories of this great that great, this first the second. I want to have the space, to do what I want to do. Who doesnt?

Who doesnt want to not do any work, and just be hmm...smelling the roses everyday? Who wants to experience hardship, pain, weariness, pressure, etc? But how good is it, if you have it good all your life? If you just spend the decades of your life smelling roses, wasting every minute away?

Would you have learned the things you've learned? Would you have found the appreciation after each pain, each hardship? Would you have experienced the relief after each time you're weary? Would you have achieved the strength that you've gained, after each time you do not succumb to pressure and fight on? Would you have found the true happiness behind all these struggles, behind living?

I guess it boils down to this very famous saying, "Everything happens for a reason." Whether or not you realise the reason behind what has happened, now or later, or never, believe that it happens for a reason. Each fall brings you the strength and experience to face the next challenge. And as we proceed on in life, challenges become greater and tougher and we need the courage and knowledge that we've gathered from all the previous little falls, to pass them.

And as much as I think studying certain subjects in school have served little or even no purpose in what I would be doing later in life, I could very well be wrong. Yes, you may not need 'Darwin's natural selection' directly if you're becoming an accountant or 'binomial theorem, poisson ratio' if you're becoming a chinese teacher. But knowing all these does make you a more knowledgeable person. Knowing more enables one to communicate and relate to more people and more things.

I once questioned the need to study those subjects not relating to my field of work. And I realised much later that the knowledge I've gained from them may not be useful to my job, but it is to my life. Biology taught me how to eat and exercise more effectively, geography taught me to love nature, about the world...and most importantly, studying brought me greater things like discipline, ability to work under pressure, to organise and prioritise things, etc. I call them life skills.

Don't try to search for meanings and reasons behind the things that you're doing all the time. Sometimes, they would not make sense to you at the moment. But I'm sure you will realise them later, and if you don't, it's still fine. There's really no harm in doing and learning more things. Just make sure you leave enough for turning back, if the need arises.

Those were the days...& years

Where are you, my childhood days...those days where I happily played.

I was walking down the street today. Two girls giggling at me...not. It was at the two guys behind me. One of the girls was saying, 'hey...your boyfriend's coming.' And the other said, 'no, dont anyhow say ok!', giggling, giggling and still giggling away.

I looked at them, barely ten years of age. Innocent, uninfluenced, untainted by the complexities of life, yet. And as I silently walked away, smiling, I prayed for them. Prayed that they would take along this tinge of innocence with them, take along the courage to follow their hearts, take along the simplest things in life, as they face greater and more complicated challenges ahead of them...

Our yesterdays, we never knew how to hide our emotions. When we saw a guy or a girl we liked, we blushed. When we saw that one we liked with another, we cried. When our friends took our pencils, we told the teacher. When our best friends were snatched away, we wrote them letters telling them we were jealous. When our parents bought us ice-cream, we appreciated and hugged and kissed them (even with ice-cream all over our mouths).

When was the last time you showed your parents affection, much less say 'i love you' to them? When was the last time you told your best friend they mean the world to you?
When was the last time you blushed when you saw the one you loved?
When was the last time you cried those tears when your loved one left you for another?
When was the last time you told your teacher when your pencil was stolen?
ok this one's not so relevant...but when was the last time you let your anger out?

How many times have you smiled and said 'never mind' yet cursed and swore in your hearts?
How often have you held back those tears, those emotions?

We complicate things, because complexities set in as we grow older. We forget the simplicities. The ice-cream man, candy floss, the 10cents sweet, sand castles, sports day...they dont excite us anymore.

As we progress to become civilised beings, we have learnt how to control our emotions. I'm not saying we should just hurl abuse at our irritable collegues or cry when someone hmm...takes our pencil. But as we learn how to hold back certain emotions, we should also learn to let go some.

The next time you see the ah pek selling ice-cream, run towards him like you used to, as a child.
You would be surprised you get an extra scoop.
and if you do, please let me know too.

My Booblay

Booblay booblay, he makes my day
Booblay booblay, you blow my mind 0h-so-away...

And he croons,
' Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm
Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know
And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
I'm fine baby, how are you?
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
Mmmm, I've got to go home
Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me..."