If only I had loved you more...

It's been a month since i regained singlehood. It really felt good to break free from all the responsibilities and emotions...and it still does. Most importantly, I feel alive again. Alive because I am no longer dependent. I only have myself to answer to, if I decide to do something. And I only have myself to lean and rely on, if that something goes wrong. I dont have the privilege of 'the help' anymore. But this has made me stronger...

I have to see to and handle things on my own; there's no more shrinking of responsilites, no one to cover me up anymore. I have learned to manage my responsibilities, my fears, my emotions...
I think harder, much harder, before I do most things because I have to bear the consequences alone...the tangible ones and the intangible ones - my emotions. I understand that there is no longer that pillar of emotional support, that shoulder to lay on and that hug that always makes me feel better even in the worst situations.

I guess it's my very strong sense of pride. The very pride that formed part of the reasons I left him. I wanted to show that I did not need help in living and maintaining my life. Actually, it was more of wanting to know...wanting to know if I could manage things on my own. And also, to be relieved of the toil this relationship had taken on me...and on him.

Tonight, I am missing him. For the first time. It hurts, suddenly. There is emptiness in the air i am breathing. And I finally understand how every night, he goes to sleep with a feeling like this. It must really hurt, for him. After all, he loved me more than I loved him.

I really pray for the best for him. Pray that he's learning how to open up his world to the people around him, pray that he's learning how to express himself better, pray that he's learning how to cope with his life without me...i pray for a thousand and one things for him, every day...after all, he's been such a darling for the past almost three years.

How could I have abandoned him just like that? How could I have had the heart to leave a person who gave in to each and every bit of my whim and fancy? How could I...

Somehow, I did. I wanted to take flight. I wanted to see the world. I had wanted to take him along. But he wouldnt fly with me. Sorry dear, I had to go. I was afraid. Afraid that I would be stuck with the same, old, mediocre life. I want to be excited about life all over again. I want people to see the glow in my eyes when they speak to me. I want to experience all that I can before I leave this world. I'm sorry I could not give up my dreams for you. If only I had loved you more...