Many but none

I look through my phonelist. 226 numbers in there...but there is none I could call, when I really need someone...

How many of us have actually felt this way before? felt this way at least a few times in our lives... There's the group of people u make merry with all day, that if you start talking about life, religion, just deeper things, the situation becomes awkward. There's also the group u work hard with, that everything you talk about would be nothing but the coming exams, proposal deadlines, difficult clients, etc. Then there will be the closer ones; your bestest friends and family. The ones whom you shouldnt hesitate to call upon.

I did. I hesitated to call my best friend. I hesitated to call my oldest best friend - my dad. I am holding back...holding back for fear of being judged. There's always some things you do that they do not agree of. I have my insecurities. Actually, I just have secrets untold.

To everyone who knows me, I'm not as strong as you think I am. Each time I emerge with a smile, it's because I've cried my tears in my little world. I'm not as happy as I appear to be. After each hearty laughter I let out, I sink back to my lonely little world.

I am confused. I'm just in love. And love always confuses me. Love heals the world, but it always ends up hurting me. 'conserving electricity for a more well-deserving chance to electrify...', 'then who mind a little insanity out of sanity and indulge in fantasy out of reality. i keep reminding myself i have only one life to live. and a chance like u will cost too much to be missed. reinstate me will u?...', 'i dont have a home without u...'. All these suddenly becomes 'sorry really busy', 'ok', 'yup'...

I almost died.

I should resurrect soon, once I get my thoughts sorted out. Afterall, I've such a loving family, such a bright future ahead of me, a patient boyfriend and really just everything I need, to carry on A perfect life. not mine.

did i mention para 5 was not relevant to my boyfriend?
and ps. at the time of post, another sms came 'sorry i didnt see ur msg'.

someone kill me please, before cupid does another shot.